Like ants crawling by the thousands about my feet, these soft Sung vermin make my blood boil with hate. Death to them all. Death to their treachery. I, Nien-hao, nephew to his majesty Emperor T’ai of Ch’in, will not be brooked by these intolerable assholes. How dare tthey! How dare they trick me!

They think me a foolish clown - a mere soldier without lineage or nobility. What fools, for I have known the comforts of horseback and the luxury of the fierce Northern winds. They are soft to my liking. So, when I say I want a household emissary, it means I want a household emissary. What do they send me - an Imposter and coward?

He called himself the Duke of Ch’i - Prince Kang, but my spies knew better. They reported to me that the foxy old Emperor Hui sent me his cook. What an insult! I should have stripped the skin from this cook and his entourage and boiled up a fine porridge for his fat Majesty of Sung, had I not more respect for cooks than I do for these Sung nobles. At least a cook can serve a use. So, I let him go.

He was a good actor though. Swore he was Prince Kang the entire time. Told me that I was mistaken, that the Emperor had reitred and that there’s a new man in the job. Rubish! I sent him packing.

Where is Ch’in Gwei? I trusted that monkey - that smooth tongued lizard! Where is he? It’s hot as hell here.

How can anyone live in this place? Why does my Uncle want more than booty? This land is all hills and rivers. What use can he make of it? Such is the grand nature of royalty. He has read too many Imperial books and now wants the finer life.

Oh devine uncle, be content with the wonders of the northern woodlands, the partridge and the boar. Let the gods of the yellow earth be put back on their shelves. Let our thunderers and sky-flash lords move us to long and winding rivers of the plains. Suet and milk is more to the taste than noodle and tea. Women are women - and these are quite soft and to our nature; but so are the men. My men have made these men their women. Alike they are in the dark and the bustle of the hayrick, ha ha.

Your excellency, what has happened. Why can’t I find Prince Kang?

Prince Kang, indeed! Do you take me for a fool? The last man who tried to make a fool of me lost his balls! I could oblige you easily, unless you’re one of those common specimen of palace eunuch that lead your armies.

No my lord, I am intact and wish to remain so. But I am at a loss to understand your wrath. We had agreed on a great sum and here I am with it. And we sent you Prince Kang as the household emissary.

A cook!

Beg pardon, sir, a cook!

You sent me a palace cook. He claimed to be Prince Kang, but my informers told me that your liege was not inclined to give us one of his sons, so he dressed up his cook as a Prince and thought we’d be fooled.

I assure you, and K’ang Yu-wei will attest, the man who was sent here is Chao Chi, the ninth son of Emperor Hui.

Absolutely your excellency, my protégé was with him . . .

The Grand Tutor? Are you sure of this? Have I acted on misinformation.

(nervously) Acted? Where is Prince Kang, my lord? He isn’t . . .

No. I sent him and his entourage packing. They should be on their way back to K’ai-feng. But, how could my spies be wrong.

(rising) Spies are not always an honorable lot. When there’s nothing to report, there’s no reward to earn. So, why not make it up!

(to the soldiers) I want Jian-ku Fei-lu arrested at once. (they leave)

(to Ch’in Gwei) At least we can watch him burn together.

My apologies for this confusion. My colleague K’ang Yu-wei would be more than delighted to follow after Prince Kang and order him back to you at once.

Yes, that will be a fine thing to do. I thought this young man was too refined to be a cook. He was however very impressionable.

Impressionable?

Your nobility is very soft and subdued - like your women. This Prince was not unnerved by me. You know I can be intiminating at times.

No my lord. You are a great warrior and must strike fear when it is deserved or needed. Such is the design of the warrior.

Conqueror.

Surely, not conqueror. We are vanquished in battle and make reparations for grievances. But surely you will leave our land when the treaty is signed.

But no treaty is signed yet. So, today I feel like the conqueror.

You will take a leg of venisen with us and a nice piping hot mug of mare’s wine? (to Kang Yu-wei) Had you not better be on your journey sir?

Yes, to the table, Ch’in Gwei. I am so glad that you were not decieving me. I’m so glad.

Have I lived so long to see a man with the ambition of conquest in his heart come so close to the central land? I am a wary man today. Very wary.

Farce! Mistaken characters and miscommunications! Such they say is the sauce for comedy. But when it lays out before a true dragon, one whose breath sears all who see it, the sauce congeals into the pudding of tragedy. But these things are best left to better men than me. I only know that the fields around T’a-tung, or so they say, were running red with good men’s blood. Now I don’t ask for pity or even tears. I have seen so many dead men - for that matter women and children - that I am as jaded as my robes to such things as death and pain and sorrow. They are just another day in the life of the servant - and since we all serve someone, no exeption is granted to anyone.

But before you think I am a depressing creature, let me tell you what actually happened. My master and the good prince were engines of accomodation for the few days before they departed for Nien-hao’s camp. In fact, the Prince insisted that my master be given tours of all the major sights of the city. He called it, "a gift for my new friend and companion, who would most likely die in a few days anyway - some dreadful death only a barbarian could devise."

So, my master would die happy - if he managed to die at all that week, which as you can guess did not happen. On the day they left for the Jurchen camp, in a frolicsome mood, the Prince decided to cook a meal. Such an unprecedented act. It was a disaster only to be compensated with liberal consumption of wine and . . . well my master prefers the bed of men to women - so, I can only surmise the rest.

Well, when they arrived at the encampment they were treated with honor. But in private, and in a joking manner, my master kept referring to Prince Kang as the Imperial cook. It was a joke that could have been easily explained. So, when Nien-hao was told he had been decieved, the Prince explained all. But the warrior would not believe him, not for worlds. So for that joke they were turned out. (laughs)

They were lucky, Nien-hao did not flay them alive. Nonetheless, they moved towards K’ai-feng on the Lin-t’u-shih road and set up camp an equal distance between the capital and the Jurchen encampment.

The song is lovely, you know. Princess Chia sings to me sometimes in the evening, but there’s nothing like a man’s voice to lift a man’s heart.

Even if it is about a woman.

We are women now, Nan-ya. How can we return to my brother exploded from our duty and promise? I was so filled with hope. I knew it would be hard and harsh, but to be repulsed by a joke. It’s your fault you know, calling me the fucking Imperial cook.

My lord, such language. You have indeed been exposed to the elements.

"In the wind the owl calls your name and I know
Oh Ch’u K’ai of the winnowing floor,
As I am the chaff to your wonderous breasts,
Drifting on quiet dawn of Lake Hsi"

Come here Nan-ya. Come and be a friend.

(coming reluctantly) My lord, I am anothers, heart and soul.

You have been my teacher - and you serve me now. I will permit your family ties to remain - but, Nan-ya I need your comfort.

It is the soldier’s song and too much wine, great Imperial cook.

You must admit, we have had some larks (laughs) You have seen your precious K’ai-feng and have even tasted the great cuisine of the Palace chef. (laughs) And even tasted the Palace chef.

My lord, surely it was the wine.

Was it, Nan-ya? Was it an act of boredom and grapes? Was the act of a lonely man seeking the world and finding only a little corner of it to hold fast to? I am not sure what it was to you Nan-ya, but it was something indeed to me. I rule here still, so take care not to press me too far into analytics.

My lord. I have written to your brother for you. I have explained the complications of your assignment and that we have no recourse but to return to K’ai-feng.

Must it come to this, Nan-ya. I speak to you of our friendship, and you change the subject so abruptly.

My lord. You are my employer and as such have the will of life and death over me. I have only onown you a brief time - and it is not my place to be your intimate, even though we have let the wine sawy us once.

So, you are saying that you are a cold soul and not the warm one I percieved that night.

No, sire, I am a warm soul and very warm for your company. But I fear the consequeneces of a minion becoming so intimate with his liege. I feel it will compromise you . . .

. . . let me judge that. I want your advice and friendship first. Your body was fun and functional, but I can have any man’s body I want for eithre price or command. We shall . . .

K’ang Yu-wei. This is a surprise.

Indeed, my lord governor, how did you know . . .

My liege, I come from Nien-hao. He now believes you are Prince Kang and demands you return.

This is good news. (excited) Li K’ai-men, tear up that letter to my brother. We will return at once to our mission.

Slowly my lord. Why rush back into the jaws of this man? I know the commission you carry, but you did fulfill it.

Howso. I am the household emissary, but not in my place of duty.

Wherever you are is your place of duty. I advise cuation.

Where’s your sense of adventure? We will return to Nien-hao.

Kang, my lord the Prince that I serve is as volatile as a river rocket. He’s intelligent, fast thinking, tender and kind, demanding and stubborn, like a child and then a man. I don’t understand him sometimes.

Nan-ya, to understand him is to understand yourself. You two are well matched.

I am sorry, dear friend - I do not see it.

I knew you wouldn’t. But remember who has engineered your court appointment. Wheh you asked me about this prince, I told you he was like any othre and gave you little information. But indeed I have tracked him throughout his career and know quite a bit about him. I feel very strongly that you are in many ways alike.

Then you know he has many of the compelling personal obsessions that I do.

I do. Books, analytics, poetry and men.

I have been compromised.

To have the love of a royal Prince is a heavy responsibility, but if you are politic, you will have many advantages from it.

Advantages? Right now, my lord, I have the advantage of being on my way to my execution far from my loved wones with a rather volative young man.

You have a point in hindsight, but who could have known.

Have you met this monter Nien-hao.

I have and I am sure he is here to end the dynasty.

What? He is not capable of that.

He is and will. He wants more than booty. He wants his master to rule here. So I fear for the royal family. Most prominently, I fear for Prince Kang. He should not return to Nien-hao’s camp.

He would never consent to return to K’ai-feng without fulfilling his promise.

He must be convinced.

Grand Tutor, prepare for departure. Have the tents struck.

My lord, a word.

No time. We must return to the Jurchen camp.

O very well. Quickly.

I advise we stay here, my lord.

Who are you to advise me?

Your Grand Tutor.

Well Grand Tutor - I am not the coward. I will face death head on.

I believe you would and die with valor. Only, it’s an act you can only perform once. I advise we stay.

Grand Tutor - how do you come to this conclusion.

You have seen him , this Nien-hao. Does he look like a marauding brigand to you? Or does he look more like an irrational conqueror. What if he does not reverse his course. What if he decides to storm K’ai-feng. We have seen his strength and power. We have also seen our soldiers crumbled.

So you advise to cower in a corner.

No my lord. K’ai-feng may just very well be a death trap for the entire royal household . . .that is the entire household except those not within her walls.

Like an intransit imperial household emissary.

Quite so, my lord. Preservation is the hallmark of Imperial Princes in times like these.

I am not convinced. I think you all want me to return to my brother and to the sanctity of the palace precincts. I want to enjoy myself outside those walls for a bit longer, if you don’t mind.

What is the matter? Do tell.

Chang Fei-lu!

What about Chang Fei-lu?

The great Chang Feo-lu attacked the retreating armies.

Retreating armies?

A treaty must have been signed.

I don’t know, but I heard that the Jurchen army was retreating, when their rear guard was attacked by Chang Fei-lu.

My lord, there’s word that General Tsung Tse has retreated and Nien-hao is marching on the capital.

(quite excited) By Which road?

All roads.

(to the soldiers) What would you have me do?

We would follow you to the ends of the earth, my lord.

Well we cannot stay here. And we cannot return to the capital. Grand Tutor, advise me.

Avoid capture.

That is certainly helpful.

Perhaps we should travel to General Tsing Tse’s garrison.

Better still, Han Shih-chung’s. We share travel to Ch’I-chou.

See what I mean, he’s like a child - volatile as a river rocket.

Everything was as volatile as a river rocket. Confusion became the byword of the day. No one really knew went wrong - so terribly wrong. This brings me to tell about Chang Fei-lu.

Chang Fei-lu was born in Hsi-t’ung-chou in Yen prefecture, not far from the very gates of Yen-chou itself. He had been the son of a local mechanic, who specialized in metal cart fittings and pulleys. His father had meant to better the family by procuring a limited education for his son; however, Chang Fei-lu was headstrong and had little patience for books and writing.

"Your lack of patience," his father would say, "will be our downfall."

Chang Fei-lu, in place of an education in paper took up an education in steel. He preferred the forging of swords and halberds to harnesses and levers. Soon, he graduated from forging swords to using them — and most effectively too. He grew muscles of steel as well and took to wearing fierce brassets of leather and a musty uniform of wolverine. He killed his first man at sixteen; and by the time he had his first woman, he had six bounties on his head.

Such men attract. Soon, Chang Fei-lu was surrounded by a fierce pack of wolverine men, who fought each other as hard as they fought the local gentry.

Chang Fei-lu was not without honor. When the Jurchen siezed Yen-chou, it was Chang Fei-lu and his band of hardy warriors that plagued the Chin army, moreso, than Han Shih-chung. In fact, when Han Shih-chung exercised his patience and applied a military strategy of non-engagement, many of his soldiers joined Chang Fei-lu in a more "honorable" showing. In fact, after a brilliant victory at Pai-hao-t’ai-fu, Han Shih-chung bought all the bounties against Chang Fei-lu and burned them publicly declaring Chang a worthy soldier. Chang received the title "defender of Yen."

Chang Fei-lu was not pleased with Han Shih-chung. He preferred the fire of the Western Commanders, Tsung Tse, Yueh Fei, Li Kuang and Liu Kuang-shih. He wrote a letter to General Tsung Tse on the ardent desires to preserve the homeland, a letter prompting Tsung Tse to sponsor the defender of Yen and promote him to Lieutenant General. Chang marched his troops to Ta-ming swearing allegiance to the fierce General Tsung Tse.

When the Jurchen took T’ai-tung, Chang was miserable, because his own troops received a drubbing at the town of Hu-k’o-lin. He immediately resigned his honors and commanded his lieutenants to beat him before the assembled armies, an act which endeared him to his followers even more. Chang retreated sullenly with his idle forces to the hills surrounding Ta-ming. This apparent display of "patience" and self-control would have endeared him to his mechanic father; however, his sire was ultimately correct. Chang Fei-lu’s impatience would be everyone’s downfall. With the Chin treaty nearly signed and some of the Jurchen dogs retreating with their ransom, all Sung armies were ordered to allow any retreating enemy safe passage. Chang Fei-lu’s orders came directly from Tsung Tse. Nonetheless, as the Chin rear-guard passed through the valley near Ta-ming, they heard the cry of the wolverine and the stampede of Chang Fei-lu’s armies.

When Nien-hao heard this, he immediately cried aloud the fierce cry of Treachery. Ch’in Gwei fled quickly - while Nien-hao ordered his forces forward to K’ai-feng.

My master and the Prince accompanied by K’ang Yu-wei and a small garrison of quickly degenating soldiery fled eradically eastward toward Ch’I-chou. In K’ai-feng - that great Imperial prison - the alarm was sounded.

The retired-Emperor, who had fled south initially had just returned to his palace. The Emperor Ch’ing and the entire imperial clan was in residence when Nien-hao made his move.

Chang Fei-lu! Why have you done this act. I swear on your tortured bones that this will not bring your great honors. Your hacked and unsorted limbs will not see your ancestral home. Your name will be cursed through the ages by the sons of Han as the destroyer of the peace and the engines of diplomacy.

Chang Fei-lu, you have undone this great house - this house of Chao - a family risen from the six houses and the direct blood stream from Li. You have cursed heaven and heaven now curses us and withdraws her mandate. Without discipline all is lost. Without shape all is formless, and we slide into posterity the shadow of the great ones who rules this place for the ages. I curse you Chang Fei-lu!

Your majesty, your father has returned from the south.

Damn the man! He fled with fear when he thought he might be captured. Now his timing takes him back here into the bastard’s grip. What possessed him.

He was told that the treaty was nearly completed and the Jurchen were retreating.

How was he to know.

For his safety I told him stay in Yang-chou. One cannot command this family. This is a family that commands itself, but cannot see beyond afternoon tea.

The Jurchen are at the outer wals of the city.

All escape routes are in the enemy’s hand. There’s no way to leave the city. We are all trapped.

Ch’ing goes to his knees before the portraits.

So I am the last Sung Emperor. Forgive me great founders, uncles and great uncles to my father. I was given the trust and I have abused it. I will remain steadfast.

They have assembled in the Hall of Harmonious Peace for your instruction.

Great sorrow. Had they the intelligence to flee or scatter. If they choose to slay their wives and babies - it would be merciful indeed. I dreamed I was a hero for the nation. I dreamed I was the father of our people. But I will pass the torch of heaven to the conqueror in hopes of mercy for my family and my people.

Such tragedy my lord is reserved only for the time of heroes.

Leave me. I will greet the conqueror in the great hall. Death is always to be met with the kindest gestures possible.

Gentle father, why have you returned?

I longed for a descent cup of noodles. Yang-chou has the worst noodle shops.

You were always practical and foolish.

(goes to his son on his knees) It is no crime to want the best and to have the best.

Well, sire you will have the best death possible that Nien-hao can afford and enjoy.

(weeping) I never wanted to rule.

You never did. You are the King of Fools - but you are my father and therefore I respect you and love you. You are a great master of art and philosophy. It would have been better that my uncle stayed alive, profligate though he was. At least his progeny may have survived him and we all could have survived them. As it is, we cannot survive ourselves.

Surely we are not all doomed.

All your sons are here with you. All your sons, and your daughters also, will become the barbarian’s prize - so many royal heads for the arrion crow.

(weeping) I do not want to die.

Death is the best you can wish for now. If we remain alive, we may wish for that death soon.

Look here. We mustn’t weep before the ancestors. What would great Shen say if he told the Jade Emperor that his descendants died without pride and dignity? Let’s prepare to meet this Jurchen dog like the men we should have been.

(to the envoy) Where are Imperial princes. Where is my great booty?

My lord, most are captured and accounted for. We are continuing a search for them all.

Good. Report when they are all accounted for. They will be my trophies when I return to our homeland. A great procession I see of the Sung Royal family, each in their own cage.

Great K’ai-feng, gold now tarnished. The great halls enflamed, the lacquer pavilions lain waste and ashen. Like so many great cities before you, the mighty have become the lowest rubble imagined. The fires glow. The soldiers slash and capture. They strip the robes from all, great and small, young and old - they mount both men and women in the streets and defile them to great heaven.

And heaven turns her eye away. The ancestors close shop and eeclare a day of mourning as the species cleanses itself once again as it has done so often and will do again time and again to the yellow earth run red with blood. Weep o weep, K’ai-feng - for today the sun is blotted by the smoke of war and the bones pile high to the corqueror’s sword.

Even this customary clown of clowns cannot be composed before the memory of the sad day the great city lost herself forever to the flames of hell. Weep all - down the centuries weep - weep you who think you life is filled with stress and pain. Weep you who have never heard the name of her holy walls before this time. Weep for the hundreds of thousands upon thousands who sank into the earth that day - as they will meet you at the gate and tell you of the unholy hour - the hour of your own death. So weep o weep K’ai-feng for us all as we know weep for you.

(bowing) Mighty sir, see before you the rulers of this land - the Son of Heaven and his father. In our last act in this life present you with our burial biers and ask only our unsevered bodies be sent to the ancestors as whole as the gift they have given us.

(laughing) What’s this? The Emperor lad and his old fart of a father. What’s this talk of death? You will die sir, but not today.

I insist upon it!

Now, we’ll have no more of that. I don’t want you carcass for a display. You do not know the rule here. If I meant to have the people of K’ai-feng live in terror, I would have you hacked to bits and have your entrails displayed in the marketplace. But, I fear there are so few inhabitants of this town left to intimadate, your entrails are best left inside to keep you fat and healthy. No, I am a politician at heart and parading you through the streets of Yen-chou in procession to my uncle the Ch’in Emperor will be far more rewarding. No sir, you shall stay alive.

Yes, weep little man. You will learn to ride like the wind in the steppe lands. You will enjoy the finest goat cheese and sleep in the draftiest tent I can find. And when you are mad beyond conception and pray to die, I will prolong your life by witchcraft. The shamans know ways to keep you alive well past your date with the earth goddess.

I pray you sir, leave my father be. Let your wrath fall on me.

Not for worlds. Not for worlds.

(to Chang) And who are you.

My lord Nien-hao, I am Chnag Pang Chang, privy councillor.

Very good. You know this place. You have the key to every storage chest in the place. Very good. Step away from them. You work for me now.

(to Ch’ing) Forgive me, my lord.

In fact I think that you would make a good new Emperor in this place.

No my lord. I cannot. I am not worthy. I am the son of merchants from Ch’u. I cannot be so lofty. I would die fisrt.

(Grabbing his sword) Then die!

(to Ch’ing) Forgive me my lord.

Stay alive Chang Pang Chang, for the sake of the city.

Very sensible.

My lord Chang Pang Chang - you will be the Emperor Chang of the Ch’u dynasty.

I am not worthy.

Ah, my report.

All but one. We have all the Sung Princes but one — Prince Kang.

The cook! He never did return to my camp! Shit! I want them all.

Brother, you are free.

Be quiet. (to soldiers) I want him captured. I want him alive for my managerie, but if not I will take him dead. Damn!

(with great excitement) Little brother fly like the wind! A sweet heaven has been merciful and we are not dead. We have the mandate still! Oh, sweet little, brave brother - save us in your freedom. Fly to the eastern sea and . . .

What did he say?

Father, one of your sons is not harvested.

Poor man.

No, not poor. He is free to lead or die, unlike us pinned butterflies. Go sweet brother. Be the men we are not.

Now we can die with some honor. Fly little brother. Fly!

So ended the Dynasty of the North under the heel of the Jurcehn dog conqueror. But fate is a silly ass thing, you know; and what could have been the end of a history lesson about a destroyed condition, now becomes a valiant story of shattered plates and dishes — yes (laughing) shattered plates and dishes.