I’m on a break, hon. I hate Christmas.

Best time of the year. Sell, sell, sell.

No rest for the weary - and this girl’s feet are in the Pearl Bailey’s zone.

Bitch, bitch, bitch. I wish I had a boss like your’s in that fucking shoe-box place you work in. If I walked away from the counter as many times as you walked out of the Tux place, I’d be shit-canned.

Well, formal wear just doesn’t sell like this crap for Santa’s elves. Beside, when you work retail, never work big, work exclusive. The perks are many more and the (sees Matt, who has emerged once more in view) . . . honey, honey, honey, look at that perk. Maybe I should work big retail.

He’s been cruising me for the last half hour. You know how it goes. They come in and look at this pretty ass - they wink and wait, then they open their mouths and that’s the end of it.

I know these over-the-counter encounters. But who knows, maybe a little Christmas cheer would do us all a little good. A pick-me-up.

That’s what I like about you. You’re so practical. You are urging me to pick up a man on the job - and loose my job.

But maybe he’s a millionaire on the prowl.

Yeah, who shops at A&S’. Give me a fucking break. And speaking about breaks, isn’t your’s up?

Oh listen to your auntie Russ, never pass up an opportunity to take what is rightfully somebody else’s.

Listen to your sister Dean, that’s a fast ticket to hell.

Hell. Girl, according to the Pope, we’re all going to hell. I have a table for two reserved for us - on the ailes - best seats in the house.

Shouldn’t you be helping her? Some retailer you are?

He’s not that good looking. Good ass, medium hands and about a 9 shoe.

Did you chase him away. Where did he go?

Well, you know your chances of . . .

Ok, girlfriend - disappear.

Did you want me to match something up?

(He has a slight Texas drawl) I was thinking of a tie to go with . . .

To go with . . . a particular color shirt. We can match one up, if you pick out a shirt like the one you want to . . .

Well actually it’s a gift.

Great. Then you don’t need to match it to anything but the person’s personality. Is it a relative?

(nervously) No. Not really.

Well, does he like silk? Designer names? These paisley’s are just the thing.

Do you like them?

Not really. I think they’ll be out as fast as they came in.

Well, if you were picking something out for a special friend, what would you pick?

This one?

Are you sure? This color is very hard to match with anything. I don’t know. (looks at the price) Wow! A.. um …, well, if you think this is a special gift (laughs sheepishly), then I guess it’s a sale.

Great, do you need a box?

Yes.

Gift wrap? We offer free gift wrap. Just go up the escalator to the right.

No …ah… um… no gift wrap.

You can’t go wrong with Givenchy, sir. It’s a good choice.

The color is eye opening.

Break the ice at parties.

Yeah.

Credit card?

Yes, A&S.

Good. That’s $36.99.

I was also wondering?

Did you need shirts or socks . . . socks for those . . . big . . . well, underwear maybe?

No, thanks.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you. You too.

Did you forget something?

Well, you know - I’ve never did anything like this before. I’m really being out of line and if I offend you, please . .

Sir, don’t hesitate. I’ll save you somme time. I am family and have been watching you.

Oh, thank God! Well, I was wondering if you’d like to maybe go some where and have a cup of coffee or something.

And what kind of something did you have in mind? (laughs) I thought you’d never ask.

Then that’s yes?

Yes. I’m off in an hour. There’s a coffee shop in the Mall, "Old World Coffee" - do you know it?

Yes, on the first floor.

I’ll see you there when I get off. My name is Dean (extends his hand)

(shaking it) I’m Matthew - Matt. In an hour. I’ll be there.

Sorry, I’m late. I had a big sale just as I was leaving.

Another Purple tie.

No, that was my biggest sale of the day. (laughs) Coffee?

Actually, I’ve had two cups while I waited.

I’m gonna get one of those big fucking chocolate chip cookies.

Half?

Ok.

Well, Matt, do you cruise the Mall often.

Never. What kind of person do you think I am? Easy.

Well, maybe not easy, but you cruised me for at least a half-hour, with all the skill of seasoned hunter. Then, you come and babble all that crap about never having done this before.

Well I haven’t. I come to the Mall to shop.

I bet you do.

No, really. I’ve seen good looking men in the mall before, but I never had an interest or least the courage to further an acquaintance.

Further an acquaintance? I like that. What do you do? Are you into the writing arts?

No. Computers.

Computers. Really.

I work at Axum Labs. I’m a researcher. I also write code for PCs.

PCs! I’d like to get one of those. They’re hot. My friend Russ has a Commodore. He’s got this flight simulator game, I can play it for hours.

Well, I don’t write games. I’m mostly into network research. You know, connectivity and packets.

Packets, eh? Sounds like interesting work. Have you been there long?

Only since April. My folks moved up from Texas - my Dad’s a civilian expert for the Air Force at Macguire. I’m a home boy at heart - born and raised in Houston. When he got transferred to Macguire, I managed to get Axum to transfer me up hre.

So you live with your parents?

No, I have my own place here in Eatontown.

So, what does a Texas boy do for fun up here in Jersey?

Actually, I haven’t had too much fun since I’ve been here.

Does you folks know you’re gay?

My sister does, and I’m pretty sure they all know, but they don’t talk about it. How about your’s?

It’s only my mom, and she knows. She pretty suppotive - in fact, a bit over-supportive. She’s becoming a real fag hag?

Well, it’s been hard for me away from Houston.

You like all that heat?

No, I had someone in Houston. We were together for four years.

An old story. I had a live in for about 2 years. But, he was easy to get over. He was into everything. An expensive fucker to support on a retail salary.

Well mine was a sweetheart. A true gentleman?

Was? Is he . . . .

Yes. He was a dancer in Melrose. He sang with the heart of heaven. His Garland was devine.

Drag queen?

No, not really. Well, yes - I guess. But I never saw him that way. I met him before I knew his act. Then, when I saw it, it made me fonder. (gets teary)

Well, Matt. Let’s not depress each other. It’s Christmas. Whatever happened in the past is locked in our memory - and we can snuggle into them as we get to know each other better.

I guess you’re right. And are you from Eatontown?

Hell no. I’m from Brooklyn. But my folks moved to Monmouth mainly for my Dad and his mental health.

Mental health?

Yes, he needed to be near the Race Track or he’d go mad. Instead he managed to go broke. He’s gone now. Emphesema. And Mom does nails in Long Branch. As for me, I specialize in matching ties to customer’s tastes and fancy.

A career boy.

Now, Mr. PC programmer, don’t mock retail. Where else can you fart anf fuss over Yves St Laurant without having to buy him. And the clientelle can be real frustrating and the mangement a sack of shit, but every once in a while an angel face comes along and invites you to have a cup of coffee.

But we’re not even drinking coffee.

No, we’re shopping. I’m in the market for eyes today. And that’s what I saw today. A pair of blue eyes in a size eleven shoe.

Twelve.

Oh, honey - go to twelve and a half and I’ll forget the eyes altogether and well be in the market for BVDs. So, you see you are in retail after all.

You’re funny. You make me laugh. I need to laugh.

At Christmas we all need to laugh.

What was his name?

Daniel. His stage name was Valva Lean. He was a small kid and was dark eyed, like you. A Mexicana. Daniel Flores. I once told him he should have taken the stage name Diana Flowers, but he would sputter in his broken English "Tu madre." But my mom really liked him. She knew what he was to me. We just never speak about it.

Valva Lean.

Houston’s a pretty rough place for gay men.

I thought Texas was Queers and Steers.

Right. Tell that to the Bible belters. Well, Danny closed his show one night with a spicy little number and some drunken fuck in the audience started to heckle. Danny went to town on him and had the whole audience peeing their pants, he did such a number on that guy. But, no one can ever tell the depth of hate to which the human heart can stoop. That heckler, that fucking bastard waited for my Danny. He waited for him. (Matt starts to cry).

Now Matt, we shouldn’t talk about this if it’s going to upset you. Christmas spirits are in jeopardy.

You’re right. You’re right.

Let’s talk about my miserable ex instead. He’s still some where, but I could give a fuck as to where. We were in love once. I met him in a Tea Room at the Cave. He was . . . well, he had attributes. So we hooked up and he moved in. The first 3 months were great. I called in sick a lot, it was so great. But, he was hooked on shit - and was out of work. We then began a cycle of arguments and worry and . . . I don’t think I ever want to become a caretaker again for someone so irresponsible. What a drain. Then, one day I came home and he was legs in the air with another guy. Out he went!

(pause) I got a call from Danny’s brother that they found him beaten and cut behind the bar. His body was so pulverized, I could barely recognize him. It’s was so hard.

Aren’t we the gloomy twins.

I’m sorry. We’re not getting off to a good start.

Fuck the past. And while we’re at it, fuck the future. Rght now’s important. And to cheer us up, let’s go visit, Russell.

Russell?

Next door there’s a Smiles Tuxedo Shop. My friend Russ works there. He’s the queeniest queen you’ve ever met. A real hoot, and my best friend. C’mon. Let’s see what he’s got planned for tonight.

Wait.

What’s the matter? Are you getting cold feet here. I mean, we can skip the plesantries and head straight for your place.

No, I want to get to know you better first.

Well, you can wait for the autobiography or you can come with me to shop for formalwear? There’s always the Men’s room, but I don’t do that anymore, in this age of crap.

(stands) You be the guide. Lead on.

(with the ruler end deep in the customer’s crotch) Mmm. Let me see here. Could you spread a little more so I can see the tape. O yes that’s good.

Should I try on the other pair?

Oh yes, then come back to me and I’ll take another measurement.

Yes, I’ll take a measurement that you’ll never suspect. What a trophy! What a trophy.

(inside the room) Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Nothing. I just alluded to our free adjustments sir. There is no fee, sir. No fee.

(to Dean) You should see what I have on deck in there. (he indicated with his hands the length of the customer penis). I’ll have him for dinner.

Dreamer. You get all these hung straight guys in here. The best you’ve done is giving that wedding party a blow job last August - and they were all straight boys. You’re lucky they didn’t go elsewhere, or you would have not been able to sit for the rest of your life.

Girl, where’s your manners?

Matt this is my good friend Russell.

I believe I ‘ve seen you around the suit racks.

I believe I spied you earlier today.

So, I was right. Mr. Matt here was shopping for more than suits.

No, shopping implies a purchase. I’m not buying anything.

Well, you won’t find anything in here for sale.

We just stopped by to see if you have anything interesting going on tonight.

The usual, unless mister 9 inches in there is family and single.

So it’s the usual.

Bitch.

So, Matt do you want to do the usual?

If the usual isn’t being harnessed in a sling with forty men.

Very funny. We never use more than 22.

No, the usual is dancing at the Cave.

In Asbury Park? I’ve never been.

You’ve never been to the Cave? What planet did this hu hu fall down from?

Houston.

Queers and Steers.

(laughs) No, I’ve passed by the place, but I don’t do the bars alone.

Well, there you are. You’re not alone tonight. You have me and Miss Piggy here to trip the light fantastic.

Dear me, are you having difficulty.

I can’t seem to button these things up.

(pushing him back in the room) I’ll help you. (to Dean and Matt). See you at midnight. (goes into the room and draws the curtain closed with flare)

He’s a character.

He’s lots of fun. I think y’all need some fun. (massages his shoulders) You’re so tense and nervous. You need to relax and trust me and my flighty friend.

Oh, that feels good.

Wait. I know a trick. Lean on me, back to back.

Is this the Texan tag team message? It feels so good after a long day at work.

(stopping) You feel so comfortable.

Comfortable? Not, hot or maybe, sugary.

(they face each other) That too. (he holds his hand and rubs it)

You know, we are in public. This would certainly shock Santa and his elves.

(kisses him) That makes you all the more hot.

We’ll melt the snow.

You know I’ve never seen snow.

What? Never seen snow.

No. I’ve seen snow on the TV and in the movies, but it doesn’t snow in Houston. And it hasn’t snowed up here since I’ve been up here.

I’ve never met anyone who has never seen snow.

I’ve never met anyone who thinks a fucking bright purple tie would be a special gift for a special friend.

The gift of retail science.

Well, since I won’t be seeing my friends tonight at the Cave, maybe you would like to join me - (looks at the credit card) Mr. Martin.

You can call me Chris.

We’ll be there. And what did you get yourselves into?

Just mind your own business and your own customer list dear. Mine’s a full nine inches.

Mine’s a size eleven shoe.

Twelve!

13!

(to Dean) Hi sis. It’s about time you guys got here. Where’ve you been?

We stopped at my place to . . .

Details, details. (to Matt) Am I embarassing you?

Hardly. What are you drinking?

Tanqueray with a twist of lemon.

(to Chris) And you?

Beer - anything. Thanks.

(to Dean) You’ll have . . .

Just a cranberry juice - neat.

Wow, Mr. Big spender. When was the last time you dated a man who bought the first round? (to Chris) You didn’t buy the first round. In fact, you haven’t bought a round yet.

Who picked up who?

Bitch. So, you went to your place and fucked like bunnies already.

Stop it. We’ve done nothing of the sort, you pig. My name’s Dean not Russ.

Save yourself for later.

Dean, darling.

Ginger (kisses her). Leslie (another kiss).

The party can begin now.

The lesbians are here.

We’re not Lesbians. We’re fashionable same-sex companions.

Yeah, and my willy’s green!

And who did you come with.

No one yet - but, this one here will have his chance later.

Who’s talking to you. We know you too well to even question where you’re mouth will be later. It’s Dean - sweet Dean we need to query.

Query?

We need to know if we have work to do. Line ‘em up here and see who will be our Chirstmas present to our little Deano here.

Not needed. I brought someone.

Where is he? Let mama see. I’ll tell you whether he passes muster.

Right! I really trust the Dyke muster. In Provincetown last year you both nixed that dude I brought back from the Atlantic House.

He was a user.

He would have had his way with you and left you crying for the rest of your vacation.